June 13, 2018
Grief is surrounding my community lately. It surrounds me daily, since I’ve lost a lot of loved ones. Some losses are old to me, like my dad’s, and some are fresh, within the past months and weeks. The grieving process is unique to everyone and knowing how to comfort someone after they’ve lost someone is very very hard. You want to be supportive and say helpful things, but sometimes, we say things that are the opposite of helpful. All things said to grieving people are always with good intentions, but as the person grieving, they can be taken the wrong way.
No, they’re not. What better place could they be in than on Earth with their grieving families and friends. Don’t say this. I know religion helps people cope, but just don’t say this. Grieving people will not like it and it’s not helpful, especially when their lost loved one dies young.
Wrong thing to say, again. God doesn’t just decide “Hey, today’s the day I rip a loved one from their life”. Again, religion helps people cope, but in a fresh death, this is not ideal to say. It makes God seem like the bad guy in the situation. Life does have a plan, but death is never easy, let alone easy to think of as “meant to happen”.
Nope. We will never move on. We will grow and learn how to function again without this person in our lives, but we will never forget them and move on. Greif doesn’t have a timeline. It’s been over 10 years since my dad died and I still cry. I still wish he was here to see all of this life happening to me. I will never get over it, I have PTSD from his death. Moving on isn’t realistic, but growing and learning how to live as normally as possible is. Life is never the same after you lose someone.
Why? Why would God need them more than we do? We relied on this person, loved this person, and they were people we loved and cherished so much. This makes God seem selfish, which he’s not. Death just happens, no one “needed them more” than we did, and do.
This seems innocent and comes from the right place, but each death and grieving process is different for each person. No one knows your relationship with your lost loved one except you. Even if you’ve lost a parent, child, etc. as well, each process is totally different, and you can’t know exactly how the person is feeling.
Who cares how peacefully they died, or how old they were? We’re still grieving and at a loss without this special person. It’s still valid to grieve them and feel sad.
I did this one to my sister when my dad died. I thought she wasn’t upset about him being gone. But the truth is, people grieve in different ways. Shock, anger, reasoning, etc. are all feelings a person could have after hearing about a death. They don’t have to cry to be upset and in grief. It takes time to process it, and each person will do so in their own ways. My sister was so young when my dad died, and I don’t think she fully understood. I was wrong to grief shame her for not grieving in the same way I was.
Here’s a newsflash: people and kids can see you grieve however you choose to. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to bottle up your emotions. Let them out. Use this as a chance to teach kids about death and show them that it’s okay to show your emotions and feelings. Lean on your family and friends. You need support more than anything, and I promise, you don’t have to always be strong. You’re hurting, and your feelings don’t need to be bottled up and hidden.
Some people may need to go to their loved ones grave to talk, let out their emotions, and grieve. Some people may find that too hard to do. Don’t ever tell someone to “go less” or “go more” to their loved ones grave. They are in their own process and it needs to be respected.
This is more common when a friend or a distant relative passes. People may assume that since you didn’t really know them or spend so much time with them that you don’t deserve to grieve. This is wrong. Any person who’s made an impact on you, no matter how close you were with them, will be someone who you need to grieve. It may not be a traditional process, but it’s your process. You can grieve over people you only knew for months, or haven’t seen in years. They still matter to you, and you are entitled to feel however it makes you feel.
I’ve come up with some of the most common things people say that aren’t so helpful to hear when you lose someone. So, if you have lost someone and want to reach out to the family, friends, or whoever, please take these into consideration. These are based off common things people say, and things people have said to me personally. If you’ve said these things, you’re not a horrible person. I know your intentions were good, and you can use this to learn from the past and prepare for if this situation happens again.
If you or someone you know needs extra help grieving, please take these resources into consideration. Or, reach out to someone in your local area to get additional help and local resources.